A letter to myself....

I think that we have to make a decision once and forever and to decide who we want to be and be that way...we have to be ourselves but sometimes we have to make excuses to be better....I feel unconfortable between unknown people but somehow u strat to like them or dislike them....and that becomes when u start to listen how they feel,think,who they are,whet is their story and what do they look for,what they have and want to have and that is strange because there are people who can answer to your wants/wishes/dreams and to you to answer theirs u know and find a friend ot a soulmate-like me and you-if I hadnt found that site and u havent written to me,we would never know each other so we have to be open to knew and unknown things and there we will find smth new for ourselves and experience smth better or worse but we will know what is there and what we can want more and probably what we already have...sometimes when I meet new people I do not talk,I am a little bit shy,I think what they think for me and staff like that,but why?Why dont I be the person I am in real?Yes it is better at first to listen but be yourself anyway...it is just stupid because I do things that before I talk that they do not have to be done-so I am in conflict with myself....I want to have more friends,I want to have circle of people,I want to hang out with them,I want to party with them,I want to go out at night with them,I want to talk with them,I want to believe in them and they to believe in me,I want to support and be supported...I am like u-I have this dreamed place called England(university)-that is my dream but anyway it is going to be the same as here because I am not open,I am not changed but I have to if I want to achieve the things I want and need....I remember when I went to Malta I didnt knew anybody except one girl from school,but the only thing I knew for her was her name and that I do not like her very much but I realized that I went there for fun so I open myself to the other and it happened-I actually was having real fun,and I was who I was and I didnt think so much I just did it and it felt so good that I didnt want to come back,because there I had everything I dreamt for....Tonight there is this party but I am not invited and it is for my classmate birthday but I am not invited because she do not like me and almost eerybody else are invited but I do not care because this is not the party which I like and want to be but it sucks because my "best" friend is invited and she is probably going....I do not have friends and I feel lonely too...Everybody else are going out with their circle but not me-I am staying with my mom in the local cafe...My mom always tells me:"Find what do you want.You do not know yourself.You are too swanky."This is so confusing and I just-I am scared for not disappointing myself or to find people that can affect me for bad.But I have to change myself.I asked myself:"OK I will change but where to find those people?!"I do not know where to look and it sucks a lot....Last Sunday on Easter my cousins were there and they stayed only 3 hours because they had a meeting with their circke of friends,my sister get out for a while and me-I stayed and listen the conversations of my grandfather and my mom and I felt sorry for myself.I realized that if I do not do anything for myself there is no body to do it for me....I do not know what to do either....I want a change-I am bored......I feel myself that one minute I am happy and the next I am sad or bored or smth sucks and makes my smile down....