Sometimes I ask myself what is that thing that I really want and honestly I cant tell and that is bothering me from a long time ago I just couldn’t admit it…..
I saw all those movies and listen to all those songs and interviews about celebrities and how they wanted smth and they get it after all and they put a lot of work and mind to get it but the point is that they knew all this matters…
And for me is like the world is the safest place ever and that I have no issues no problems to worry about that I live for myself like a selfish bitch and like I don’t have to do anything for anyone but myself and I take breaks after breaks and they are not enough and everyone arounds me repeat that they want this and that and how they even struggle to get it and I have nothing to say cause like I never had anything to want and need nothing at all…
I am lost and no one but me can help…my sister knows what she wants and she is only 14 and she already have done so much in her life like I need 20 years to catch up and I feel miserable about that-that she could be the one she wants no matter what and who and me I am just the one who doesn’t know who is she who she wants to be and I don’t know what I want either…my mom always repeat when the money comes I will by a stadium so ur sister her trainer my trainer and every other friend of mine who plays pro sport could practice their and she says I am going to buy these things and go there and buy ur dad a truck but she never says anything about me and today she asked me what do u want and I looked question and she says what do u want me to buy u and I wasn’t ready for that question and I just said that I will buy it myself…then I asked myself and I couldn’t find an answer and the hole thing is killing me…I thought about everything I like and want to do and have but still that doesnt make me…sometimes I don’t know who I am so I can say what is for me and what not and where I stand so I can say what I want..right now I am cool with my life but it could be better and I know it but it is like I am ok with it and I don’t need any progress but that doesn’t true….may be I am in a bad mood or may be I am just confused or may be I think about it too much but stil the truth is the truth and it is that I don’t know what I want-I always says that I want smth that I just start to think about it too much and suddenly I loose interest and I don’t want it anymore..i am trying to stop think about things like that but I cant and it wont help for anything…I can want smth but if I want to get it I have to believe that I really want it….sometimes I thnk that the problem is that I don’t know what I am good at….two days ago one of my earlies teacher in the kindergarden came to see me and mom and my mom told her about all the wins my sister achived and then she asked me and I didn’t tell anything and I realize that there is nothing to say about me-I don’t go to school as I should;I don’t have good grades;I didn’t get my exams;I suck at training and all are negative thoughts that I think all the time and they affect on me bad…I think of smth I want and I try to visualize it and think of it and believe that I really want it and after two days I am off of it….i cant say if I want to live and why and what I am going to do with my life;I cant say what I need;I cant say the boy I want;I cant say nothing about me….i always thought that I am good at smth but I am not-yes I can do thing good but I am not excellent in anything no matter how I talk or act-it is all in my head…I though that I am good at organizing and talking and I don’t know-but obviously not…I think I want to shoot photos movies run parties travel have fun and stuff like that but I don’t think I am for that and that I belong there and that I am good at it ……
From some time after I start doubt at myself and at the decisions I have made I stopped talking and when somebody asked me what I am going to do I am free and I have no plans and nothing in mind just because I don’t know myself and I think I am not going to know it soon…
I saw all those movies and listen to all those songs and interviews about celebrities and how they wanted smth and they get it after all and they put a lot of work and mind to get it but the point is that they knew all this matters…
And for me is like the world is the safest place ever and that I have no issues no problems to worry about that I live for myself like a selfish bitch and like I don’t have to do anything for anyone but myself and I take breaks after breaks and they are not enough and everyone arounds me repeat that they want this and that and how they even struggle to get it and I have nothing to say cause like I never had anything to want and need nothing at all…
I am lost and no one but me can help…my sister knows what she wants and she is only 14 and she already have done so much in her life like I need 20 years to catch up and I feel miserable about that-that she could be the one she wants no matter what and who and me I am just the one who doesn’t know who is she who she wants to be and I don’t know what I want either…my mom always repeat when the money comes I will by a stadium so ur sister her trainer my trainer and every other friend of mine who plays pro sport could practice their and she says I am going to buy these things and go there and buy ur dad a truck but she never says anything about me and today she asked me what do u want and I looked question and she says what do u want me to buy u and I wasn’t ready for that question and I just said that I will buy it myself…then I asked myself and I couldn’t find an answer and the hole thing is killing me…I thought about everything I like and want to do and have but still that doesnt make me…sometimes I don’t know who I am so I can say what is for me and what not and where I stand so I can say what I want..right now I am cool with my life but it could be better and I know it but it is like I am ok with it and I don’t need any progress but that doesn’t true….may be I am in a bad mood or may be I am just confused or may be I think about it too much but stil the truth is the truth and it is that I don’t know what I want-I always says that I want smth that I just start to think about it too much and suddenly I loose interest and I don’t want it anymore..i am trying to stop think about things like that but I cant and it wont help for anything…I can want smth but if I want to get it I have to believe that I really want it….sometimes I thnk that the problem is that I don’t know what I am good at….two days ago one of my earlies teacher in the kindergarden came to see me and mom and my mom told her about all the wins my sister achived and then she asked me and I didn’t tell anything and I realize that there is nothing to say about me-I don’t go to school as I should;I don’t have good grades;I didn’t get my exams;I suck at training and all are negative thoughts that I think all the time and they affect on me bad…I think of smth I want and I try to visualize it and think of it and believe that I really want it and after two days I am off of it….i cant say if I want to live and why and what I am going to do with my life;I cant say what I need;I cant say the boy I want;I cant say nothing about me….i always thought that I am good at smth but I am not-yes I can do thing good but I am not excellent in anything no matter how I talk or act-it is all in my head…I though that I am good at organizing and talking and I don’t know-but obviously not…I think I want to shoot photos movies run parties travel have fun and stuff like that but I don’t think I am for that and that I belong there and that I am good at it ……
From some time after I start doubt at myself and at the decisions I have made I stopped talking and when somebody asked me what I am going to do I am free and I have no plans and nothing in mind just because I don’t know myself and I think I am not going to know it soon…