I have this bad feeling in me...

U know I keep watching those tv shows that are full of real things and I keep asking myself do they really exist cause I don’t know any of it aster that I say to myself do I really need to know staff like that in my life how are they going to change my life for better and then I just say to myself that I am a happy teenager although I think I am not the typical kind of teenager and that my life is easy and I have to be thankful that it is not like in a movie and then I have my own issues to deal with and when I say my own I really mean my own cause not many of my “friends” have them and actually think that there is smth wrong cause they just don’t have this and it is like what they don’t have I have it and for me it is totally normal but still the difference is that I understand them and I really try and I think I do in the end but my things they are so deep in me that even my mom which I think is smth strange can not understand me and I am just all words and I act like there is no bad things in my life which is true but in my head there are so many things that are not together and are not right for me and my life and I want to fix them but I don’t know where to start from and which is the best way and I dobt come up with nothing but just blaming myself for being like that and then I go back and think that I am going to do whatever I want and that this is my life and I have to make the choices but there are some things that I am not use to and I don’t know how to deal with them and it is so hard for me and I feel so anxious and lonely some times and I start to imagine and it is like a dream or a movie and I feel better but why I do have to satisfy myself with a dram after I can have this and it is not impossible why I have so hard time with that all these years from so little I cant understand what happen or what is the thing that makes this so hard and just doesn’t allow me to have this I just cant get it and I am stuck on it and it is not good to be stuck on smth and I know it and I am still doing it and the only person I think that can understand me is in the USA and I cant share it with her cause it is one through internet and other on live and I am just trying not to feel sorry about myself but I do and I have these moments or periods when I have this but I know that it is going to end soon and I cant do anything about it and that makes the picture even more sad….and I cry and cry and cry and have no clue what to do to solve this….