My red ribbon ....
You know, I am looking at my red ribbon that you tied on
my right hand and I am wondering what have you wished me but in the same time I
don’t want to know cause it is our secret, nobody knows about it – what does it
mean or how did it end up on my hand or even why…I am happy that I thought of
it, I am happy that you didn’t say anything …. I am just happy about it … but
in the same time I am sad, I am sad because it reminds me of you, not that I
don’t want it but it is connected to all the questions in my head… questions
for the future we will never have, questions for the past we already had – no
present cause here is the present and you are not with me, you are not next to
me and I cannot touch you so I am sad and I hate this moment so somehow I
prefer the questions ….
…as I am afraid to ask all the questions about the past
because it wouldn’t make difference, would it? Like ‘What did you feel about
me?’, ‘Why me?’, ‘What do you like about me?’, ‘What do you think of me?’ – but
these are all selfish questions and the answers would just make me feel special
and I don’t want that, right? Cause I am not special in your life – you know me
for just a few days and that is not enough to know a person but I know that I
am interested in you and I am an open book and I want you to read me but I also
want to try to open you but just for me – to be our secret …. ‘Why didn’t you
spend more time with me?’, ‘Why didn’t you make more gestures to me?’, ‘Do I push
you somehow?’, ‘If you can turn back the
time what would you change?’ cause I know I would change a lot but this is the
thing that I always think about these stuff afterwards – the missed
opportunities …. And there are so many other questions that I want to ask you
but what does it matter … and I have so many fantasies about the future but
still are they meant to happen? ….
I am afraid to tell you things cause I am afraid I might
push you away now that you are so far it will be really easy … I am afraid that
it is not the same – yes it is not but I want to try to keep it our way … I am
afraid that is was just a fling and nothing else and I am trying too hard – I
am not but still …. I am afraid that it didn’t mean anything to you and I am
too young to understand that fact …. I am afraid that you will break the
connection and that everything will turn into a memory in a second …. God I am
so afraid of all these stuff but still I am ricking everything and I am being
honest and spontaneous as you told me to be – I am telling you that I miss you,
that you are in my dreams every night, that I wished we had more time or that
you are here next to me – holding my hand, kissing my lips, looking me with
these sparkling eyes full of life and energy and to hug me one more time ….
So at some point I don’t want your wish for me to come
true cause this means that my red ribbon will be gone and my connection with
you also …